How To Poop At Work - Zilvia.net Forums | Nissan 240SX (Silvia) and Z (Fairlady) Car Forum

05-30-2007, 01:40 PM

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY : This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK : When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.
Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) : A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS : A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH : A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Coughis very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE : An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET : A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire and COURTESY FLUSH !

UNCLE TODD : An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

steve shadows · 05-30-2007, 01:41 PM

I love it! haha

yeah what the hell is up with uncle todds?

does my shit smell that good? i know its brilliance but good god, sometimes i can even handle it

and these people throw down a picnic blanket and take bong loads of my crap clouds up their nose.

its mind boggling, they really hate thier cubicles i guess, Broom is better

TheSquidd · 05-30-2007, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve shadows

I love it! haha

yeah what the hell is up with uncle todds?

does my shit smell that good? i know its brilliance but good god, sometimes i can even handle it

and these people throw down a picnic blanket and take bong loads of my crap clouds up their nose.

its mind boggling, they really hate thier cubicles i guess, Broom is better

My buddy is an Uncle Todd, he calls me while he's dumping, he's in there for like an HOUR. Just hates working.

azndoc · 05-30-2007, 02:24 PM

LOLz that shit was awesome.

Those nicknames I shall use from now on. Thanks. for the info.

kdashy · 05-30-2007, 02:45 PM

Turd Burglars.

I hate them.

liv2drift045 · 05-30-2007, 02:52 PM

haha fav post today

jrmiller84 · 05-30-2007, 02:53 PM

Everyone should practice the courtesy flush.

Also, know what's great for taking a dump?? A nintendo DS. I've almost beaten my 2nd game just off of dropping deuces at work. Needless to say I stay in the bathroom quite a bit more now though.

sleepy_s13 · 05-30-2007, 02:54 PM

thats good stuff i used to hate taking shits at work. the restroom was in the break room

Mathetai · 05-30-2007, 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by azndoc

LOLz that shit was awesome.

Litterally!

Andrew Bohan · 05-30-2007, 03:01 PM

none of that bs here

we are proud of our poo, announce when we're going, and describe it when we are done.

Wahl 136 · 05-30-2007, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew Bohan

none of that bs here

we are proud of our poo, announce when we're going, and describe it when we are done.

Same at my work they are all self described Out of the Closet Poopers and proud of it.

**RJF** · 05-30-2007, 04:20 PM

OK, Zilvia has officially hit bottom with this thread.

kensreliableb18b · 05-30-2007, 04:27 PM

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Why Laugh? Because Its So True! Damn Those Burglars And Uncles!!!

sean350z · 05-30-2007, 04:36 PM

Fly-by/Safe Haven FTW

TheSquidd · 05-30-2007, 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RJF

OK, Zilvia has officially hit bottom with this thread.

I know you're joking but...

IT's that kind of attitude that makes Zilvia suck ass 99% of the time.

TiNMAN · 05-30-2007, 05:08 PM

funny thing is nobody is ever embarassed at my school. you can easily catch 3 stalls being used at the same time on any given day. but then again i go to school with a bunch of artists

s13gold · 05-30-2007, 05:11 PM

ahahaahah i laughed so hard!

its the walk of shame that got me.

DrtyRat · 05-30-2007, 06:05 PM

+1 Oh man that was great....I'm printing this and taking it to work!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheSquidd

I know you're joking but...

IT's that kind of attitude that makes Zilvia suck ass 99% of the time.

Did I miss something?

eastcoastS14 · 05-30-2007, 08:22 PM

hahaha hilarious...I was a turd burglar once, I lifeguard and i went to use the port o potty....door was half locked, like in between the red and green...started pullin on the door, thought it was broken....fuckin strong armed the thing and yanked it open ahhahaa some dude in there yells "hey what the fuck are you doing?" haha he was pissin tho still was awkward...could have been a lot worse

football locker room in high school kids used to call ppl to come look at the huge dump they just took lol....high school was weird

gorgasm · 05-30-2007, 08:52 PM

hahaha fuck.
guilty of getting turd burgled and camo coughing today.

xblack240x · 05-30-2007, 08:53 PM

Someone that works at an office or something should send this as an anonymous memo to everyone

ms!3 · 05-30-2007, 08:59 PM

hahahahahaha, i laughed so hard at the turd burglar.

speedstar01 · 05-30-2007, 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrmiller84

Everyone should practice the courtesy flush.

Also, know what's great for taking a dump?? A nintendo DS. I've almost beaten my 2nd game just off of dropping deuces at work. Needless to say I stay in the bathroom quite a bit more now though.

haha i love this thread! you read my mind! the DS is great bathroom companion. especially when avoiding some troubles outside the pooper. personally i find it relaxing to play that newer Tetris game

i love to play my DS on the pooper, so what!

and yes turd burglers suck...awkward!!!

4thHorse · 05-30-2007, 10:28 PM

You forgot the Phantom Crapper, The guy that leaves his dump and doesn't flush.

eastcoastS14 · 05-30-2007, 10:37 PM

hahah i think i would die laughing if i ever came into a bathroom and heard tetris music coming from a stall

2slow2go · 05-31-2007, 12:51 AM

omg this is funny

Andrew Bohan · 05-31-2007, 01:42 AM

dude tetris is the shit whilst shitting

i used to play on my razr all the time at my old job.

C. Senor · 05-31-2007, 01:46 AM

lol that was very entertaining....lol fuckin scenarios make me laugh because i can see them all happening....lmao.

*fliprayzin240sx* · 05-31-2007, 02:37 AM

Haha...I hated taking a shiet at work. I would literally walk out of the building go across the way to use the bathroom in that building (same squadron different shop), just cuz I know theyre all usually working at another building and I can poop in peace there. If i try to use our bathroom, whats the chances that you can poop in peace when your flight has over 50 guys and theres 2 male bathrooms in the bldg. 2 stalls each for a total of 4 stalls...

BC240 · 05-31-2007, 03:47 AM

Crop Dusting FTW

05-30-2007, 01:40 PM	#1
<///>< Guest Posts: n/a	How To Poop At Work HOW TO POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a dump at work. CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY : This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK : When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) : A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS : A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH : A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Coughis very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE : An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET : A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire and COURTESY FLUSH ! UNCLE TODD : An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

05-30-2007, 01:41 PM	#2
steve shadows Post Whore! Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: LA and OC Posts: 8,202 Trader Rating: (5) Feedback Score: 5 reviews	I love it! haha yeah what the hell is up with uncle todds? does my shit smell that good? i know its brilliance but good god, sometimes i can even handle it and these people throw down a picnic blanket and take bong loads of my crap clouds up their nose. its mind boggling, they really hate thier cubicles i guess, Broom is better __________________ Like Me on FaceBook !

05-30-2007, 02:45 PM	#5
kdashy Zilvia FREAK! Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Been here longer than you bitch! Posts: 1,296 Trader Rating: (0) Feedback Score: 0 reviews	Turd Burglars. I hate them. __________________

05-30-2007, 02:52 PM	#6
liv2drift045 Zilvia FREAK! Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Chicagoland Age: 41 Posts: 1,483 Trader Rating: (7) Rides Gallery: liv2drift045 Feedback Score: 7 reviews	haha fav post today __________________ StreetSliders.Blogspot.com

05-30-2007, 02:53 PM	#7
jrmiller84 Zilvia FREAK! Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Gainesville, FL Age: 39 Posts: 1,021 Trader Rating: (2) Rides Gallery: jrmiller84 Feedback Score: 2 reviews	Everyone should practice the courtesy flush. Also, know what's great for taking a dump?? A nintendo DS. I've almost beaten my 2nd game just off of dropping deuces at work. Needless to say I stay in the bathroom quite a bit more now though. __________________ BitDestroyer.com

05-30-2007, 02:24 PM	#4
azndoc Post Whore! Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Los Angeles Age: 42 Posts: 9,487 Trader Rating: (47) Rides Gallery: azndoc Feedback Score: 47 reviews	LOLz that shit was awesome. Those nicknames I shall use from now on. Thanks. for the info.

05-30-2007, 02:54 PM	#8
sleepy_s13 Zilvia Junkie Join Date: May 2006 Location: West Covina Age: 37 Posts: 569 Trader Rating: (1) Feedback Score: 1 reviews	thats good stuff i used to hate taking shits at work. the restroom was in the break room __________________ $K:\pics\Cars\new sig bridge copy.jpg$

05-30-2007, 03:01 PM	#10
Andrew Bohan Post Whore! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 8,331 Trader Rating: (2) Feedback Score: 2 reviews	none of that bs here we are proud of our poo, announce when we're going, and describe it when we are done.

05-30-2007, 04:20 PM	#12
RJF Super Administrator & Bean Counter Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Lone Tree, CO Posts: 2,400 Trader Rating: (0) Feedback Score: 0 reviews	OK, Zilvia has officially hit bottom with this thread. __________________ *Zilvia.net...Where the Truth Hurts and Pain Builds Character*

05-30-2007, 04:27 PM	#13
kensreliableb18b Zilvia Addict Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: so cal - 626, 909, 562 and 949. 818 if i feel like running away Posts: 945 Trader Rating: (1) Feedback Score: 1 reviews	Hahahahahahahahahahaha Why Laugh? Because Its So True! Damn Those Burglars And Uncles!!!

05-30-2007, 04:36 PM	#14
sean350z Zilvia Addict Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Downingtown, PA Posts: 890 Trader Rating: (5) Rides Gallery: sean350z Feedback Score: 5 reviews	Fly-by/Safe Haven FTW __________________

05-30-2007, 05:08 PM	#16
TiNMAN Post Whore! Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: NorCal, East Bay Favorite Color: Green Age: 38 Posts: 3,940 Trader Rating: (3) Feedback Score: 3 reviews	funny thing is nobody is ever embarassed at my school. you can easily catch 3 stalls being used at the same time on any given day. but then again i go to school with a bunch of artists __________________ I AM LEGIT.

05-30-2007, 05:11 PM	#17
s13gold Post Whore! Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: CARSON Posts: 4,240 Trader Rating: (79) Feedback Score: 79 reviews	ahahaahah i laughed so hard! its the walk of shame that got me.

05-30-2007, 08:22 PM	#19
eastcoastS14 Post Whore! Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: the land of snow potholes and no tracks Posts: 3,984 Trader Rating: (1) Feedback Score: 1 reviews	hahaha hilarious...I was a turd burglar once, I lifeguard and i went to use the port o potty....door was half locked, like in between the red and green...started pullin on the door, thought it was broken....fuckin strong armed the thing and yanked it open ahhahaa some dude in there yells "hey what the fuck are you doing?" haha he was pissin tho still was awkward...could have been a lot worse football locker room in high school kids used to call ppl to come look at the huge dump they just took lol....high school was weird

05-30-2007, 08:52 PM	#20
gorgasm Zilvia Addict Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: SoCal Age: 37 Posts: 651 Trader Rating: (0) Feedback Score: 0 reviews	hahaha fuck. guilty of getting turd burgled and camo coughing today.

05-30-2007, 08:53 PM	#21
xblack240x Zilvia Junkie Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Bay Area Posts: 555 Trader Rating: (2) Feedback Score: 2 reviews	Someone that works at an office or something should send this as an anonymous memo to everyone

05-30-2007, 08:59 PM	#22
ms!3 Zilvia FREAK! Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: USA Age: 34 Posts: 1,563 Trader Rating: (7) Feedback Score: 7 reviews	hahahahahaha, i laughed so hard at the turd burglar.

05-30-2007, 10:28 PM	#24
4thHorse Zilvia Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: San Jose, CA Posts: 295 Trader Rating: (0) Feedback Score: 0 reviews	You forgot the Phantom Crapper, The guy that leaves his dump and doesn't flush.

05-30-2007, 10:37 PM	#25
eastcoastS14 Post Whore! Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: the land of snow potholes and no tracks Posts: 3,984 Trader Rating: (1) Feedback Score: 1 reviews	hahah i think i would die laughing if i ever came into a bathroom and heard tetris music coming from a stall

05-31-2007, 12:51 AM	#26
2slow2go Zilvia Addict Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Bothell Age: 78 Posts: 622 Trader Rating: (7) Feedback Score: 7 reviews	omg this is funny

05-31-2007, 01:42 AM	#27
Andrew Bohan Post Whore! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 8,331 Trader Rating: (2) Feedback Score: 2 reviews	dude tetris is the shit whilst shitting i used to play on my razr all the time at my old job.

05-31-2007, 01:46 AM	#28
C. Senor Post Whore! Join Date: May 2006 Location: cali Posts: 3,488 Trader Rating: (3) Feedback Score: 3 reviews	lol that was very entertaining....lol fuckin scenarios make me laugh because i can see them all happening....lmao.

05-31-2007, 02:37 AM	#29
fliprayzin240sx Man w/ CTSV & a Car Seat Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Tampa Posts: 17,998 Trader Rating: (19) Rides Gallery: fliprayzin240sx Feedback Score: 19 reviews	Haha...I hated taking a shiet at work. I would literally walk out of the building go across the way to use the bathroom in that building (same squadron different shop), just cuz I know theyre all usually working at another building and I can poop in peace there. If i try to use our bathroom, whats the chances that you can poop in peace when your flight has over 50 guys and theres 2 male bathrooms in the bldg. 2 stalls each for a total of 4 stalls... __________________ If you think Zilvia has too many assholes... CLICK HERE!!!

05-31-2007, 03:47 AM	#30
BC240 Zilvia Junkie Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Richmond, BC Age: 42 Posts: 472 Trader Rating: (1) Feedback Score: 1 reviews	Crop Dusting FTW