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Update:
Removed distributor and spun the gear. Good news, everyone! I hear the injectors firing just as I did when I had removed it previously. Still have no idea why its not starting up.
Put distributor back in, attempted to crank (after a brief flood clear, just in case) and just ended up with nothing. I heard the puffs coming from the exhaust as it tried to spark whatever fuel was dropped into the manifold, but after a few cranks that went away.
This tells me that it WANTS to start, but for whatever reason the injectors aren't opening under cranking!
What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck... I've stumped every person that I've asked about my car. Just nothing.
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